Does it come easy to you? Being vulnerable?

I think my generation views vulnerability as a dirty word. I read one of those dramatic and insightful Elite Daily articles on Facebook recently about how we have already broken the heart of our future spouse. We as in our generation. We are so accepting of all types of love, and were a huge force behind the marriage equality act, but do we really know how to love? Or rather, do we know how to be vulnerable? It said that because of the dating culture we have created, where we have so many intimate encounters with people we have no intention of marrying, we have let down our future husband or wife.

“It is rare to take a group of mid-20-year-olds and come to find at least half of them have not been intimate with another (or several) in their group. Odds are more than half have shared a sexual encounter with more than one person in the group.”

 Not to get preachy, but I found so much truth in it. Not for religious reasons alone, but for social ones. I have quite literally lived the above scenario in my last year at SFA. It was a new type of “dating” that I did not fit in with, no matter how hard I tried. I’m not being self-righteous, it was just a lesson I learned. I cannot date casually.

Vulnerability has always come easy to me.

Maybe it is my empathetic nature, or my blind trust that people are inherently good, but I am pretty much an open book. That’s not to say that I am vulnerable around everyone, but if I have deemed you trustworthy, you are seeing and talking to the most real and honest version of myself.

I’m not good at talking about my feelings. I learned that in my first serious relationship.

But I am good at feeling them.

In fact, I hold nothing back in that regard. When I commit, you better believe I will go down with that ship. I’m not talking about Jack and Rose floating in the water while she holds his hand. I’m talking about pulling your ass up onto that door with me, even if it means we both drown.

When I love, I love hard. That includes all types of love..friendships, family, and boyfriends. When I hurt, it cuts deep. And when I get angry? Honest to God angry and betrayed? I haven’t met a single person who has come back into my life after that, even if they tried.

I’m not arrogant enough to believe that I am in the minority here. I think I represent a pretty average twenty something woman in my generation. Other people are just like me…feeling so deeply that they just don’t think they can stand it. But people my age avoid vulnerability, and avoid feeling deeply, at all costs! And why? To protect yourself? One of my best friends has said to me if you don’t get close to people they can’t let you down. And if your don’t get your hopes up, you won’t be disappointed when real life happens. But the same woman has so many dreams and fantasies about her fairy tale life. And those same people still want what we all really want.

We talk about wanting it! About wanting someone to be vulnerable with, who won’t bolt for the door and who knows just what to say. But I am asking you how can you obtain that kind of love if you don’t open your heart and take that terrifying step that turns into falling?

If you guard your heart so fiercely, how will you know when it’s okay to unlock that gate?

If I have learned one thing in the brief romantic experiences I have lived through, it is that the heart is not anything if not resilient. Despite falling so hard, and feeling so deep, it recovers. Not without scars and caution tape, but still it beats on and continues to love. And guess what? Even if you try to harden yourself against the pain, you will still feel it. Try as it might, your brain does not feel in the same manner as your heart. So you can tuck the pain neatly away in the corner, and pretend it doesn’t exist, but it will eventually find it’s way to the light, sometimes in the most surprising ways.

Like for instance, a year after you have been broken up with the only man you have ever seriously loved.

You have healed on your own, moved on, and made peace with your experiences. And not the “OH yeah, I’m so over him I just still text him every Friday night and cry into a bottle of wine,” kind of healing. I mean you have grown up, fallen for other people who didn’t work out but served their purpose in reminding you that you will love again, and can truly say that you are happy without him.

And then you meet someone else.

Not just any someone. A different someone. Like a real deal, tell your Mama, butterflies and kisses, is this real life kind of someone.

And what do we immediately do? Compare them. To the former one. It’s not smart, or fair, but we all do it. It may be for different reasons, and it is completely and wholeheartedly terrifying to imagine that they are doing the exact same thing, but we do it. And slowly but surely they peel away those layers, and prove to you that they are not, in fact, your ex. He is not going to cheat on you (emotionally or physically) with his ex-girlfriend. He is not in this for the physical aspect. He is not going to claim he wants freedom and then turn around and date one of your best friends. He really wants to take you out to nice dinners, and buy you that new fishing rod, and yes, you are really going home with him to meet his family.

And it is still there…that tiny desire to push away. To test, to see if they are genuine. To nit pick your relationship to bare bones and see if it still stands. And there is a small caution sign in your heart still waiting to light up with the words “I Told You So”.

But trust me you guys, it is so worth it. To be vulnerable. To open up and give in, as we say, to all the feels.

Even if it doesn’t work out, and you are broken once more, each time you pick yourself back up you are gaining knowledge about what you want out of love. Gaining experiences that will shape the way you continue to love, and gaining perspective on your own heart and it’s failures. Those lessons are invaluable, but they cannot be learned by detaching yourself from what you feel.

So put down your trashy magazines and pick up that Jane Austen novel. Stop seeking permanent comfort in temporary conditions. Allow yourself the luxury of feeling everything from the kiss on your lips to the tingling in your stomach when he grabs your hand. Don’t look away when he looks you in the eye because you are so afraid he can see what you are thinking. Embrace the fear, and fall into it.

Faith hope and love are the things that He gave us, and the greatest is love.

-L